Don’t bother voting peasants! GlobalistSlut.com is thrilled (and by thrilled, we mean freaking the hell out) to announce that Kamala Harris and her “horse-milking” running mate Tim Walz have decisively won the 2024 presidential election—three days early. That’s right, folks: Harris and Walz are projected to secure a squeaky-clean 52% of the vote, with an astounding 3,293,712 ballots against Trump’s sad, insignificant 47%, a mere 2,997,793 votes. God bless America, indeed.
ABC News, in a move that’s either high-level clairvoyance or just straight-up power-drunk recklessness (you decide), aired a ticker declaring Harris’s “victory” during a Sunday sports broadcast. And no, this wasn’t a leak, or a slip, or even a prediction. This was the actual fucking outcome flashed across the screen, with 100% of precincts “reporting” their results—three days before election day.
“Oh, just a test,” says ABC. Testing election graphics three days out, complete with specific vote counts and final percentages, is totally normal, they assure us. Nothing to see here, just part of the drill. Now, go back to sleep, trust the system, and ready yourselves for the outcome the left and it’s media whores have pre-selected for us.
A Brave New Way of Voting: Who Needs Primaries? Hell, Who Needs Ballots?
We’ve officially entered the age of ultra-efficiency, folks. This year, our “democratic” process has been simplified, streamlined, sanitized, and vacuum-packed for easy consumption. Polling stations? Ugh, such a hassle. Voter rolls? What a bore. Actual ballots? Well, they’re just terrible for the environment. Why waste all that paper when we can just skip straight to the final result?
Who needs taxpayer dollars going toward pesky poll workers or ballot counters when ABC News and a few conveniently placed tech wizards can just fill in the blanks? Think of the productivity! Now we can spend those precious taxpayer dollars on more urgent priorities, like Ukraine! Democracy has never been this efficient—or this pre-determined.
Now we can finally ditch all that old, burdensome stuff—republics, borders, the rule of law, groceries… you know, all that silly, outdated crap.
Cutting the Bullshit: This Isn’t Democracy; It’s a Clown Show in Patriotic Drag
Let’s not mince words here. This isn’t democracy—it’s a clown show, and the American flag is just the costume. We’re told that the system is bulletproof, airtight, impenetrable, but don’t look too closely, because if you do, you’ll see the cracks. “Non-citizens don’t vote!” they say, even as reports keep surfacing from Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Virginia about foreign nationals casting ballots, unverified voter rolls, and suspicious registrations by the thousands. But hey, don’t sweat the small stuff. If they say Kamala has 52% support, why bother questioning it?
This is the 2024 model of American governance: pre-selected, pre-packaged, and piped straight to your news feed. Democracy has been “innovated” into a shiny new experience where the results are ready and waiting, and you’re just here for the ride. Enjoy it while it lasts, folks. We’re witnessing history in the making—just don’t expect to have any say in how it’s written.
God bless America—and good luck, because we’re going to need every ounce of it.
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