The Future Is Here! And It’s SPACE WHORES!!!
- Bryan Stelter
- 14 hours ago
- 3 min read
Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, and whatever Blue Origin identifies as this week—strap in (or strap on) because the future has arrived. But it's not Mars colonies or asteroid mining. Nope. It’s Jeff Bezos loading a harem of media-trained, Botox-pumped, influencer-tier “women” into a giant steel phallus and launching them into the sky for 11 minutes of zero-gravity PR fluff.
Welcome to OnlyFans: Bezos Edition™, where feminism meets Amazon Prime in the most expensive Instagram Reel ever created.
What Is a Woman? Apparently, a Dumb Whore Strapped to a Rocket
In 1963, Valentina Tereshkova made history as the first woman in space. She was a soldier, a scientist, a cosmonaut—a real badass. Fast forward to 2025: Katy Perry and Gayle King float around in Bezos's blue penis for four minutes and it’s declared a “historic leap for womankind.” Please.
Let’s be honest—this wasn’t women breaking barriers. It was a glorified space lap dance, complete with Jeff Bezos puckering up for a pre-launch kiss with his fiancée, helicopter Barbie Lauren Sánchez, as the PR team shrieked “GIRL POWER!” like it was a Spice Girls reunion tour in orbit.
What is a woman, according to Blue Origin? A TV personality, a pop star, a woke activist, and the future Mrs. Bezos—all looking like they got lost on their way to a Real Housewives of West Texas audition. The future is female, sure—as long as Daddy Bezos is footing the bill and you’ve got enough Instagram followers to qualify for a helmet.
Let’s be real: this wasn’t a space launch. It was a launch party at the intergalactic strip club, and Bezos owns the pole.
Bezos: The Man (We Think?) Behind the Curtain
Jeff Bezos—Amazon founder, Lex Luthor wannabe, and divorce-payout poster child—is clearly going through his post-divorce crisis. Only instead of buying a Corvette, he bought a rocket, slapped his girlfriend in the cockpit, and tried to convince the world it was science.
While Elon Musk is landing reusable rockets, launching satellites, rescuing astronauts, and prepping humanity for Mars, Bezos is LARPing as a space feminist in a desperate bid to stay relevant. Blue Origin is the Dollar Tree version of SpaceX, complete with less innovation and more gender studies rhetoric.
Let’s not forget: Bezos didn’t just build the rocket—he built the trillion-dollar surveillance empire that these women needed to ride his rocket. This isn’t empowerment. It’s corporate-sponsored cosplay with a lipstick smear and a hashtag.
SpaceX Is the Main Event. Blue Origin Is the Side Show.
While Jeff plays Space Ken Doll, Elon is building the Death Star—and actually knows how to use it. SpaceX is sending astronauts to the ISS, colonizing the Moon, and launching payloads with surgical precision. Blue Origin? They’re tossing pop stars into the upper atmosphere and calling it progress.
Falcon 9 could do donuts around Bezos’s suborbital Uber before New Shepard even clears the launch tower. SpaceX is NASA’s partner. Blue Origin is a YouTube channel with a billion-dollar budget and Oprah on speed dial.
Bezos owns The Washington Post, so of course the headlines are glowing. But newsflash: you can’t buy innovation. You can’t slap a Beyoncé lyric on a booster and pretend it's rocket science.
Final Thought: “Ride the Rocket,” They Said…
This wasn’t a scientific breakthrough. It was a $5 billion publicity stunt disguised as progress. A diversity-wrapped space Barbie commercial, designed to gaslight the public into thinking Bezos is doing something important.
So here’s the truth: The future isn’t female. It’s fake. It’s Jeff Bezos simping for headlines, sending his girlfriend and her influencer friends on a glorified carnival ride, while the media claps like trained seals.
And the worst part? They’re calling it history.
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